i’ve been in a funk lately, looking out my window i see trees, so many trees, mountains hills, gardens….our garden, where a heart shaped echinacea patch planted for me is taking shape..peas are up and growing, new greens spouts are growing…a beautiful raised bed was made from nothing, he worked with love in his heart to clear out tons of prickly black berry, and from that mass of weeds he made this lovely earthy bed where our cabbage and lettuce now grows,,,even the little cabbage plant that flew across that bed when I threw it in frustration…i’m letting this shit out here, it feels kind of freeing to let it out…there are times when my love light shines like the sun and I feel so much love and positive vibrations it is blissful…i am so blessed i am so thankful…to know from where I came to where I am now and who I am with it is a miracle and sometimes I think I dont deserve it….that pain thats way deep inside from childhood…yes that darn childhood trauma that when I’m in that positive love light place cannot hurt me in the slightest gets me when I’m down or vulnerable…it fucking ravages me…i am angry, at it, i am letting myself be angry at it it is like a vampire, an energy vampire it sucks life and love from not only me but my family, my silly sweet man and daughter who have toothbrushing contests before bed time talking in silly voices and calling eachother pet names which makes me smile and warms my heart, then they go up and he reads her harry potter, they are on book 3 now, she is so in love with him, she finally has a daddy and sometimes she fights it, just like I do…history repeated itself i guess, my dad was there but wasnt, he was very scary to me, her dad and I have a harder time calling him that every time I say it, was there but wasnt,,,then marc came along to these two wounded girls and gave us all his love, he gives it every day…his heart is so enormous and sometimes I go and act like a crazy womyn…there is this sensitive part in me, this traumatized part in me that gets awakened in vulnerable times like pms…and it gets a hold of me and i feel my heart close, my body tense and i just want to be hurtful,,,little innocent things I hold in come out in mean ways,,,then once i snap out of it, i have to pick up the pieces…i am so sick of picking up the pieces! marc and i get sooo close sometimes, we are so connected it feels amazing to be together still…sex just keeps getting better and so does our friendship but this thing, this horrible thing hurts us, the idea of him thinking of me that way makes me feel so sad…i want to marry him and we have talked about it and a few weeks ago he told me he wants to marry me too…but, we both want this worked out before we do that…we will go to a tropical island and rainforest sometime…i know we would go to an amazing place on our honeymoon…i want that so badly and i have anger inside me that its not able to happen yet…i cant keep dealing with my inner darkness in a way that hurts my realtionship, it tears it apart bit by bit, we keep having to repair it, it happens fast and we bond and are close very quickly again…its unimaginable to me how beautiful and amazing it can be without this happening, he is out at sea now for a week so we all have some time apart and that is good…except, unconsciously i was getting upset at him for leaving, i didnt realize it but it was part of why i was being the way i was…i’ve got some issues with that…i should be used to it, he had to go away for 3 and 1/2 months two weeks after we met for the second time and fell madly in love and were inseperable…then after a few beautiful months together he had to go again…he follows his dreams and helps mine come true, I know someday he will travel again…i hope i can go with him for some of it but i know it is not likely i can go for all of it..he is an amazing explorer, amazingly motivated…i love this man like i’ve known him and love him always, like we have been together before and its some of the worst pain i’ve ever experienced, and i have experienced a lot of pain in my life…the worst pain is to hurt this beautiful amazing love i have. he keeps on loving me, he encouraged me today to stop being sad and do good things…to not be sorry but to make changes…i am not sure how to do this..i think i need to try new things because so far, although i’ve made improvement their is still more progress to make…i feel way better, i’m not letting this thing control me or hurt my relationship anymore.