oregon dreams

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my childhood and its impact on me and I realized yesterday while watching this video
these aren’t exciting videos, dp cant really stand them but for me they are very interesting - there is another in this series on communication which i wrote about a few posts ago. so I’m in group therapy (an affordable way to get some helpful counseling) right now…its nice to be able to talk about whatever i want…over this past week I have pinpointed what i want to focus on…through this video i realize that I am dealing with Post Traumatic Stress from my childhood…I get triggered by things and I react to something that happened when i was very young…which leads me to feeling scared then defensive and then I push away my partner. It is enlightening to finally understand this and to know that it not just some flawed terrible thing about me as a person because that is what i have done my whole life, I’ve taken on the blame,,,I’ve blamed myself for hurts I have that triggered me to react in certain ways in my life. I don’t remember a lot at all from childhood….one fond memory I had/have is of a cookbook my mom used…I remember it always being in our kitchens, the many many kitchens we had as we moved so much, but that cookbook was always there and when I looked at it, it somehow gave me the feeling of home, something I didn’t often have growing up. When my mom was here visiting I mentioned that cookbook because we were making tortillas and it reminded me of that and the reaction I got from her was much less than heart warming…I mentioned I would really like to have that cookbook someday and she got kind of defensive about it,,,I explained why I thought fondly of it and she just didn’t get it, I know that for sure now. She said something about, what if she outlived me…and I asked if she wants to outlive her child and she responded with her Jehovah’s Witness "I’m going to live forever eventually" belief…so I dropped it. She wrote last week saying she got a thank you gift for us…and we thought it would be a rolling pin or salad spinner as we talked about us having good use for these items while she was here…she mentioned in her email it was something I said I wanted…so I get this small package today in the mail from a book seller, I hadn’t ordered a book so I wondered what could be in it and when I pulled out that cookbook, a new copy she had ordered me I felt empty and hurt. I don’t even want to look at it, its not the one I wanted, the one I wanted is the one I remember from growing up…that is one of the few good memories I have…I wanted the same used flipped thru cookbook with the stains and spots all in the same places, the one that sat on the shelf under the microwave so often,,,that is the book I wanted…not this new, sterile book…she just did’nt understand and now I’m not sure if I will say anything to her or not…a big part of me wants to, not in a mean way but I feel like holding this in is hurtful to me…I am going to talk about it in group today…

i wasnt sure about blogging when i first started…i was inspired by other blogs I have read, some have a theme which i think is really cool and together - have a focus and helping serve a purpose…this serves a purpose for me…on truth…i’ve opened up to speaking my truth more, it feels freeing, I wrote here vent posts that some times I feel would taint my blog somehow but the truth is, this is life, it can be messy and it is not all flowers and sunshine, thats not bad, it just is. i think this can serve a broader purpose than just my selfish place to write about my self…i hope other womyn read this, some of this, and find it somehow helpful in their lives.

on my previous post’s…i never finished the on, there i stand post due to life coming up unexpectedly on me and changing things when i felt like i had it together, for that moment at least. is that true for you?

yesterday, we went to town - we live out in the country so we have to drive a bit to get there…we had a really great time bowling, i am grateful i went and did not listen to the PMS emotions going on inside of me…I got 2 strikes at bowling and beat Marc and Rayna, thanks to the gutter guards I’d have to say..it was cute watching my big girl throw that big ball and watch it slowely make its way to the pins..strangely I felt more confident in myself while bowling than I think I would have a month ago…which seems kind of odd given I was in PMS state, although I’m doing good so far this month, although I know better by now than to say, cool, its over, i’m out of the woods…when i do that it happens that i just end up in a very emotional difficult place…so while it was painful and not fun,,,it was an improvement…being in relationship with someone i am so close to , like i have never ever been close to anyone in my life is very cleansing i guess you could say, it all comes out…topping it off, we have a child we are learning to raise together…its a beautiful crazy journey that i would trade for nothing. i love those two people so much…i’m learning to love myself as well and other people while i’m at it…yes, its quite a journey, there are times when the light is shining so bright within me and i am blissful,,,i havent had that for a little while now, I miss it, I’ve had a taste of it…I suppose this is all a part of that and that I will be there again soon.

we went to a cool theatre yesterday, an old place that shows one movie, you can order pizza and eat it in the movie, you can also drink beer, but we had rayna with us so we didnt get to do that,,,there was something written or rubbed into the wall i saw just as the movie ended…"Love is Real"… 

i have it. right now…i’m tired, sensitive, sad, depressed. i’m a big pain in the ass to my partner despite trying not to be…i try and talk to him because i want to connect and it turns out all wrong. i’d like to know how many other womyn deal with this….like i do…

off we are to town, for bowling and a movie…I am buying myself some Chocolate, lots of it, and I will feel no guilt only pleasure….. i’m more excited about the chocolate than the bowling and movie…

my last post was a vent in a moment when i was sorting out how i felt…i’m learning to be assertive and to take care of my own needs…its a challenge…my mom was here visiting  last week and i forgot how passive she could be, its especially noticeable now that i am grown and working on that aspect of myself. i’m learning to communicate in a positive assertive way EVEN when other people arent communicating that way. I’ve been watching a netflix movie on this…its only a 36 minute movie and right now I’m on my 3rd try finishing it…the first time i fell asleep…Rayna calls me the Queen of falling asleep during movies…this is true…although, during my 2 week vacation from parenting I stayed awake for some rather interesting movies. We watched Planet Earth - Mountain today, not that this has anything to do with what I’m writing although it feels good to be feeling lighter. I’ve felt pretty dark/heavy/interspective the past few days approaching my moon time…this is back on the topic I started with, so I’m learning to go with how I’m feeling, not judge it good or bad and to ……..

in front of the stove…holding my spatula with the melt marks in it…feeling like I dont know how I got there…i was taking some time for myself and by that i mean, cleaning up our house by my self…in comes the family - we talk about a family activity which sounds nice to me and then next thing I know i am in the kitchen by my self with spatula in my hand, a pancake in the pan…

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i  went to my second session of group therapy today…i wrote things that have been going on with me, my biggest struggles, my biggest weaknesses, stuff I’ve never told anyone and I read it, that is how the session started, it was very hard and freeing to read the truth of an issue I face to other womyn…this is my first experience with counseling, I happened upon a flyer for this newly starting group and i was attracted to it..it took a bit for me to find the courage to call…it is a very safe space…i’m suppost to be there…it feels good.

my mom has been here visiting for a week. that has been a challenge,,,seems to have hit some triggers in me…

i am so thankful for my unconditionally loving partner…love, light, blessings and peace to myself and to all.

Namaste’ 

inspired by mocha mama and her Jars…we brought along our jars for our a mocha & a chai on our way to Olympic National Park…a few pics in previous post…it felt good to take another step and be a little darker shade of green and it was very easy….blessings~

its been a lovely summer, I’ve discovered my love for berry picking…

we did some awesome hiking, including a 20 mile hike (in one long 14 hour day) in the Columbia River Gorge, which was the hardest physical thing I have ever done, even compared to birthing Rayna which is mainly because I did not fully birth Rayna in the true~est sense given my c~section/hospital experience…i am at peace with my birth and realize the way the system in America is…I started to watch the Business of Being Born and stopped it was intense, I’ll finish it one day…I am not even sure I want to have another child, it has been an intense journey for me especially after meeting my soul mate and blending us three together that is quite a journey…marc and I had 2 weeks to ourselves that was really cool…we had great fun as a childless couple, we never experienced that to the extent we did these two weeks…we chilled out, and thouroughly enjoyed ourselves.

now we are back to being parents and I have a child licking my arm and cant blog anymore…

stole a few quiet moments:

we had 3 bear sightings one was a mama bear with one cub, another really scared me…we were on our way down from our hike and i look across a bridge from us to see a big (in my opinion) black bear, I thought he was going to come across the bridge and I got a little panicky and i said Oh my god marc what do we do and he said, watch it and take a picture it ended up going under the bridge …last summer I saw about 13 bears between Mt Shasta, Sequoia and Yosemite and I didnt get scared like I did this time, I was more scared on a solo hike I did of the prospect of seeing one than I was actually seeing them…hmm.

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted things of course have been very busy…I dont know how I ever managed to not have a busy life…its way more fun this way. I now have a blog for work as well but I dont want those two worlds to collide so I’m posting no links.

My oregon dreams are becoming more illuminated every day. My sister came to visit right after my sweeties parents, she is here now, yesterday I watched her get a tatoo of Raynas name below the portrait she had tatooed of her on her arm..it was an experience…I have no tatto’s and have never seen one done…while there I thought I would never get one but a part of me wonders where I would if I did…it would either be one of Marc’s drawings or mine as he suggested although I love his art.

Marc and I are reading: The Mastery Of Love wow. its extremely insightful for me/us….its very relevent to things I’ve been working on within myself and things we deal with as a couple…One day I knew we were suppost to read that book so I got it as our anniversary gift.

I’m working on not believing the negative thoughts my mind throws at me about myself…they arent true…this is a big one for me.

Our garden is growing so beautifully, my first tomatoe is almost ready, I cant wait to pick it and there should be bunches after that, I have a corn that is 3 feet tall, its so fun to watch corn grow…we are harvesting potatoes, 3 colors, strawberries are done and they were delicious. I will post some pics.

blessings~